citadel

Appreciate me, to eroding me from inside out.

Words to the wise now I should have been more strong.  Never let you back.  Never let you in.  You want me to bring my guard down to let love in.  I dismantled myself before your eyes.  So many times.  Every promise.  It was a lie.  Every love note.  Was a pointless try. I’m my own scribe I realise, you were right.  I don’t know what you did, to ever deserve my light.

Rotten, to the core, bored of the proverbial score in my mind reciting dictated lines how many times, used that before.  This is something less, could it be something more? Anxiety headache.  Migraine.  Collated inspiration melted into subversion again.  You’ve taken your love away.  The pain, the pain.  Better this way.  Maybe.  Cut at the stems now when we were planting roots, finding time inside each other’s ricocheting moods. Sunshine rays, thoughts examined.  Ex-rayed and healed in a single embrace.  Your tenderness blew me away, every wide-eyed smile was everything that needed not be said.  Now each silent moment is a bullet to my head.

Disdain is my last attempt to forget your name, too many times forgiveness has known your better taste. Bitter waste. And I hate to lay it this way, but you take no responsibility or apology blaming my psychology so you escape unscathed. Is that fair game when you kissed my hand in play, rest on my neck finding peace in me. All day. Cheek to cheek and lips to sway, adore my love like blossom bouquets… Wish you stayed. Wish I could stay. A love letter and hate mail, I wanted to start a life with you but you were too worried about the detail.

You come and go, how could you not know, each time it was a blizzard of love and all I’m left with is snow.  Row-row-row your boat, gently away from me.  I handed you oars of priceless patience and you gave me dead butterflies and daydreams.  Your cold eyes, old lies. For seeing the future doesn’t take from the pain.  Again and again. Another poem another timed encounter maimed.  Tinted with ripped seams, imminent schemes painted out clear on your face.  Tainted with mistaken seems and guilty gleams, open windows not steamy sheens.  From whence did you come, I watch as you leave.

As if it was me who made pleas down on my knees for something which was nothing more than a temporary tease.  A pirate’s medley, lost in your seas.  I seize.  My heart heaves at my stupidity for conjuring up a make believe you didn’t need.  Kneading pins into my soul but I forget, it’s my transferred reflection on it all.

I’m clearly conflicted, dearly afflicted, beloved are we gathered here this day.   Sinking into medication to drown away sorrow and dismay, watch me baby lament and slave, see my cray play out numb and abandoned, monitor my black and white heart decay into absence, it takes two tectonic plates to quake but the situation is solely my fault.  My projection.  I’m starting to wonder if we had any sort of hold, or whether it was our collection of maladies that held us in the cold, now the melodies worship disrupted illusions of growth.  You have your own version of maddened grey rainbows and cupcakes, and if it were you, you’d be happy for you so please let me send sincere apologies for my Beth Rochester display because separation for your good intentions is my price to pay.

It’s a good woman you need.

Funny how you reduce me to a syllable on a screen.  No longer human, figment of your man-imagination moonbeam, we used to dance on those lunar waves now it’s unacceptable to speak your name.  An echo on a conceited line, toned you out into the wind five times.  Pride and prejudice.  Once allied in friendship, lost in romantic apartheid.  It’s so ironic.  All these words on a microscopic page.  Same letter, different shade.  Spreading jelly like it’s marmalade.  One foot in the grave, another in an oyster veiled by a jaded blade serving under a masquerade, I’m tired of these parades, master of charades, I glaze.

ink is free, so...

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