coarser

I can’t sleep. Tears secrete secretly. Meeting ducts, crumbs succumb alone. Gathering records, if I was a wreck before… So I tight shut, trust, my eyes in a dark glow of street floors. Horizons away, you stay, can’t hear you say, I love you, living away from here. Razor blades, marshy grass. Another hazy sphere. Separate, yet so near. Since you passed, ain’t a thing hear clear. Past. Tensed. Absent tenders. Immense surrender.

Pain. Too vast to articulate. It accumulates. Infuriates. In a frenzy, emotions blend me. Bend me, Allah ni marzi taking her life like it’s farz, this angel defends me. I’m lucifer maybe. Lucid crazy. It’s something, it’s nothing, it’s numbness. Berating ashy shakes, medics and their late brains.  They hate veins. Waiting, weighting dust. Amplified oblivion living in my blood, cells, mediating ways to avoid seven kinds of hell, wrapped in a rotting shell I’m flustered, rustling hustlers to dig up heaven bound wells. Tolling bells, justice for just us then, well done, death sells.

Rhythms beating fast, break neck lasts. Touching seams, kissing cheeks, ripped seeds. Speed at which we reap needs. We’re all waiting for this dream to reveal a humour most esteemed. Practice test lends itself to smoke screens, unforgiven misdemeans, deeds read like dead seas, regressing. I wake up. Screaming. Unrefreshed. Human regrets. Progression steams ahead leaving me be.

You are my breath and I’m not sure you knew. Without you. Days, weeks, months, years, too few and in between. Weak. Can’t wake you from this deep, do you bleed in another plane or do you remain unscathed, bathed in rainbow frames? In sane untamed. It’s not the same. Wrapped in white. Pink petals scattered against the sleep written in your skin. Allocated space. Sheen in frozen grace so I’m told, I prefer the hum in your happy grin, more precious than,

Handmade wedding gold. Watching you grow beautifully, age serenely, but you lie in the worst kind of morbid cold, stuck inside sadness, grief is our broken home, emptiness echoes up in this brick-built casketry while you’re a  cornerstone in a designated cemetery… How is it I could always read your fate, but never my own?

18 thoughts on “coarser

  1. A rave of loss…longing, and I think not ready to come to terms….too raw, too new. Painful to read…yet very effective.

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  2. This piece of your Heart is crying for release, builds upon “Constance” , these are pieces of work which trigger contemplation and compassion….thoughts are with you S

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  3. I love how this seemingly random use of phrases and words digs beneath the surface to call up associations with the reality that is seemingly unseen. You’ve done a lot of work to bring this together, and it reminds me of the words of Burroughs or Beckett.

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    1. I truly thankyou for your feedback, it means a lot to me. There’s so much struggle, I hoped the words would convey the disjointed emotions… I’m glad you felt them.

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  4. I am not a poet but your words are not something I read they are emotions I feel. Your pain runs so deep it’s like an anchor weighing down my heart, tiring out my soul.

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    1. Thank you, it’s weird you refer to ‘lightning’, my name means lightning and the person I write about here named me…

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  5. Both poems of urs r heart touching
    Sad filled with pain…so vivid..great sense of loss n pain…very very strong..

    Allaah says: “And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As- Saabiroon (the patient).
    Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allaah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones”[al-Baqarah 2:155-157]

    Muslim (5318) narrated that Suhayb said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affair is all good, and this applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks and that is good for him, and if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.”

    Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu’minin:A woman said: Apostle of Allah, my mother suddenly died; if it had not happened, she would have given sadaqah (charity) and donated (something). Will it suffice if I give sadaqah on her behalf? The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Yes, give sadaqah on her behalf.—Abu Dawood, Sunan Abu Dawood[3]

    Abu Hurayrah rahimahullaah reported that Allaah’s Messenger sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: “When a human being dies, all of his deeds are terminated except for three types: an ongoing sadaqah, a knowledge (of Islaam) from which others benefit, and a righteous child who makes du’aa for him.” (Muslim and others). 

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