sarcasm: in dating profiles

So I shortened this but I’ve changed my mind, let’s do detail for the physical and mental analysis of the person you are currently and momentarily curious about…but on these things it changes with the blink of an eye right, so these words might be pretty futile. All you really want is a photograph. That’s where you’re hoping these words will take you. Something you can ogle. In the meantime, I will torture you with more paragraphs and if you haven’t died of boredom by the end of it, maybe you will be lucky enough to find yourself requesting an image of the best photo I can find of myself.

My objective is to save you from asking any questions because, and no offence or through any fault of your own, although it’s not you but collectively, everyone as a whole, are asking the same questions and answering these same questions is becoming ridiculously tedious – at least this way you will know whether or not you think you are “compatible” as I don’t want to waste your time or my own, life is too short, if you like what you read then you know what to do (ask for a photo *yawn*). So, in essence, I’m actually doing this for your benefit, I’m that kind – I know, you can save the applause for later.

I have short short hair – yes, it used to be long down my back, I’ve had it short for about two years now, less hassle in the mornings. But guess what, hair grows. It’s a scientific miracle that your parents should perhaps be made aware of but you’re not strong enough to say anything are you? I suggest you move on to the next one.

I’m a bit random, quirky, odd – in a good way. I won’t say I’m unique or different as that’s just a cliché every person bangs on about. Mimics: “I’m like nobody you have ever met…” – well that would be because every body is emulating a ‘celebrity’ or those Photoshop’d pictures in magazines, so yeah, you wouldn’t be the same as anyone you’ve actually met.

I am not sure how I have come to be single when I pray to God every night for an everlasting love but nevertheless I am indeed here and I have not hooked myself up with ten kids or a fraudulent benefit scam for a house, a previous marriage or a divorce or separation or anulment or an engagement that went wrong or bodies stuffed in the boot of my car. CRB check is completely clear. The only blemishes are the ones that appear on my face after eating too much chocolate, and fish and chips. And yes, they really do give me spots, it’s not a myth. Maybe a few blips on a credit check but hey, we’re in a recession, have you not noticed?

I don’t appreciate waking up so early in the mornings, if I could choose, I would much rather be a vampire (minus the bloodthirst). I’m currently working in project management for wireless equipment so customers can import their wondrous technologies into various parts of the world, I’ve been doing this for almost two years now – oh my god time flies – opportunities present themselves for travel and when they do, I take them wholeheartedly. So far Tunisia and Belarus have been scribbled on to my world map. Previous to this, travel was limited in the UK when I worked in a construction consultancy. When I was in book publishing, I managed to get myself to Germany for the Book Fair. It was awesome. Just because I like reading, does not make me a geek. And moreso than ever since I haven’t managed to find a book to engross me recently.

I’ve lived in London, Oxford and Manchester, I’m originally from the West Midlands but I don’t have the crummy accent to go with it (thank my lucky stars for that one) I guess you’ll be thanking your lucky stars too. I like having some me-time since I have nobody to spend any we-time with. I prefer quick plans and randomness rather than long-ass diaries filled with plans. Where did the fun go?

I have compassion, understanding, I’m not complacent, I don’t take things for granted, I’m generous, open, trusting, selfless, loving, etc etc etc you can look up more adjectives for “stellar” in the thesaurus if you like…I’m actually really quite vulnerable and shy and quiet and self-conscious (bet you thought I was going to say self-centred, ha!) and I realise it’s also not good to publicise weaknesses but hey, I’m brave and learning and growing as a human all the time. I make mistakes, it’s part of my journey to death.

I prefer tropical desert heat to subarctic temperatures hands down. I would love to travel extensively to the not-so-touristy places, Transylvania (rescue me from Dracula, hm, or find me one) or Zambia (it’s lush but potential kidnapping so need a big strong man to accompany me), but would of course love to look-see the Taj Mahal just to witness symmetry because I’m weird like that… I have a thousand dreams that I have not lived out yet because I wanted to share them with you. Cue the aaahs. I know. Fetches sick bucket.

I’m sporty given half a chance, would love to take up abseiling again and do the mission impossible climb down the desert rocks, a spot of sky diving would also be a great thing to do (golly gosh – I have lived out this dream with the Red Devils only last week!) …also used to be amazingly good at badminton and squash though like I said, it’s a bit of a difficult game to play “on my ones” (down with the kids don’t you know)… I dabble in a bit of creative writing so that’s why I tend to write for England rather than talk for it…I used to work in publishing remember and I have a degree in English Literature, yes, it has come in helpful thank you very much!

What am I looking for? Well, that’s a good question. I ask the universe all the time. Perhaps someone who will love me for the rest of my life, as I will them. It’s a mutual thing, partnership, balance, nobody on a power trip – please leave immediately if you are, close the door behind you. There’s no reason to forget your manners.

You shouldn’t be high maintenance or selfish or living in a bubble, you don’t mind staying in or going out, you don’t mind the loud or the quiet, you should never keep me waiting or be late (unless you have a proper reason), and you should want to have my happiness at the core of your very existence because your, our, happiness will be the only thing I will strive to maintain. You should be Merlin AND a Knight of the Round Table…a comicbook hero without the double life thing, Spiderman without the spider thing (scared of them but my vacuum is currently of assistance), Superman without the kryptonite (can’t have someone else being in control of your weakness), so I’m not really asking for much…open-minded, uncontrolling and the ability to rustle up a snickers smoothie on demand would be, well, mortal heaven!

Love can only be sustained and maintained and reach the fizzy heights of butterflies if two people are able to grow together as one with the same outlook on life. It has to be a combination of both otherwise what’s the point in the two of them even trying? I’m not sailing on the Marriage-of-Convenience boat nor am I sailing on the Titanic.

It would be nice to be together for the rest of all time; happy ending; fairytale; I’d (and I’m assuming you would as well) obviously prefer it to be rainbows all the way and it would be nicer if it happened without the seven midgets or the evil step-mother but sometimes, I need to be the big bad wolf and little red, sometimes you will need to huff and puff too, just have to roll with the rough to slick out the smooth.

I’m resilient enough to cope with that, the question is, are you?

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