To Be or Not To Be?

I’d like a little peace, I’d like a little noise
I wanna get wrecked, and hang with the boys
I wanna get out, I wannabe me
To live or die, to be or not to be?
I wanna have some fun, I wanna be with my bloke
Spinning in a trail of endless cigarette smoke
I wannabe dancing, outta my head
Maybe I should try drugs, for that extra buzz instead?
Play the music low, play the music loud,
My head is stuck in the smoggy black cloud
The hate is building up, the anger’s getting worse
I wannabe driven to hell in the back of a hearse
I wannabe dead, I don’t wannabe alive
Because all I do is get depressed, and cry out my eyes
Until I’m blinded by the light, I wanna starve myself to death
I wanna try everything, to take my last breath
I wanna get stoned, I wannabe high
Smoke everything to hell and back, learn how to fly
I want to be happy, I really need to smile
I want to be killed, I want to die in style.
I wanna do whatever, however and whenever,
I want to be alone, I want us to be together
I’m aching for his touch and the warmth of his hand
But no-one knows how much, no-one understands.
I want nothing, I want it all, I want it now
I’m a bomb waiting to explode into a full blown row
I want the taste of freedom, the freedom of life
I want to blow my head off, cut my heart out with a knife,
To live or die, to be or not to be?
Sleep perchance to dream, nothing is free.
Crazy days, crazy lady and nothing is right,
I mess everything up try as hard as I might.
The night rolls in, the thunderclouds are set,
And I’m caught, trapped in the mesh of life’s fishing net.
The taste of smoke, the smell of nicotine,
I wish I was a junky trying to be clean,
I wish I was a complete, hopeless utter wreck
So I could have an excuse for the noose tight around my neck.
My silver is gold, my love is white,
My skin is brown, night after night,
I wish I wasn’t who I am I wish I wasn’t me
To live or die, to be or not to be?
Opposites attract me, sin is my temptation,
I wanna live out pictures in my imagination
Why do I bother? Why do I care?
I should be me, let them all stare
Be who I am, be who I like
I wish I could runaway, cycle off on my bike,
Drive away my car, wait in the middle of the road
Wait for the truck. Wait to explode.
The men in black are careful, invisible they remain
I wish the men in white would come and take me away.
I’m tired of working, waiting, tired of this game,
I want someone I can love forever and someone else to blame.
Sleepless night after sleepless night, the stars drown in the dark,
Broken hearts don’t heal, don’t leave any visible marks,
And thoughts are not thought out-loud, because they’re written in the wind,
Whispered words like prayers: Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.
From early days of childhood to endless nights of old age,
Emotions of anger swirling inside forming a maddening rage,
Release the pain, unload the mind,
It’s time to be, cruel to be kind.
Words of advice and loyalty and empathy and understanding
But they don’t ease the situation and life’s bumpy landing,
Words aren’t enough to cure the hidden depression
Living in an enclosed sheltered world and life of repression.
People I love – loved, turning their backs on me,
To live or die, to be or not to be?
Betrayal, mistrust, where is that infallible support and love?
Paranoia, absent self-esteem, and tears. Is there a God above?
Religion is a subject, no longer a faith in my heart
Feeling like life will be same-ish until the day I depart.
If such things as spirit, soul, hope and happiness exist
Why must feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger and monotony persist?
The feeling that I’m standing still, going backwards, going nowhere.
And no-one knows whilst everyone makes it unfair,
Making home my prison, enforcing so many regulations and rules
Which is why I need to get away, stop playing the fool;
To build a new life, just to be me
To live or die, to be or not to be?
Institutions, politics, economics, moralists; adults everywhere alike
Give lessons in everything but that of real life,
Solving problems of the mind, they just haven’t got a clue
Which leaves me here, not knowing what to do;
So I wander alone; rejected; and confused.
Abandoned by loved ones, left alone to be abused
And no-one knows, understands, they wouldn’t hazard a guess
That this is what I feel like, so much pain, hurt, distress.
Putting on an act, putting on a front
Wondering how much longer, I can possibly keep this up?
Wanting to cry all the time trying to enjoy all the laughter
Saving all the tears, and all the drama for after
When I’m at home, alone with the music playing low
Or in complete silence in the darkness letting myself go
But the sobbing’s not permitted, someone will hear me… I’m
Wanting to die
I must be quiet, so my body convulses and shakes instead
And the bond of maternity can’t even see my tears as I’m lying in my bed.
I want to be unborn, just want to escape
Unable to find my brave crusader tighted and caped
To free me from my mind, my soul, my spirit, my body
To live or die, to be or not to be?
Never hold back my darling, secrets and worries eat away inside
Don’t ever pretend to me, please don’t ever disguise
Your emotions because know that I will never walk away
I’m here for you now, every tomorrow and each yesterday.
Believe in faith, trust instinct and respect honesty
To live or die, to be or not to be?
Uncertain of the future’s entity, what does it hold?
The strength of your love is true and that is my gold.
Dangerous appointments to the doctors needing to be arranged
Will I ever be in love enough to be engaged?
Dangerous flight arrangements to be scheduled and organised
Knowing the hurt is killing me and it has to be covered with lies.
Dangerous friendships turning into something so much more
And no amount of love and care from friends will find me the cure.
Always in a predicament and it sometimes involves
My love, be whoever he may be, but it’s never resolved
Past and present love, old love and new
There is no difference in our affections, the payment is never due
Because where can it lead? Where can it possibly go?
No longer wanting to Let It Be or to Go With The Flow
Over and over, thought after constant thought, wishes and dreams;
The following is what it all leads back to, however it may seem:
You’re always on my mind, daydreams of whatever
Wondering how much longer we will be together
Truth be known, I always want you there
And this whole situation is just so damn unfair.
I’m lost for words when I’m with you, I really don’t know why
Everything on the downlow, living an outright and blatant lie
Endless moments I wish for, perfect frames of time
Can I keep you forever? Will you promise to always be mine?
Why do you ignore me? What have I done? Why don’t you care?
We had such a close friendship and now we’re at nowhere
Such strong emotions, they won’t leave me alone
Memories of pathways, built in sunshine with pebbles and stones.
The dawn you held me, the night you cried
The night my trust in you, by the fire died.
Life is full of chance, but there are so many closed doors
And still if you want me, I will always be yours.
Trust me please, believe what I say
I’ll love you tomorrow, and each and every other day.
But how can this work, how can it be?
To live or die, to be or not to be?

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